Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
