I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
