Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
