You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
