I feel like abortions should bother me more
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
