Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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