I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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