yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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