he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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