HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
