I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
