Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
