just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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