Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
