dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Text me some of your sweat
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
