Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
