maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
