life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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