He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He shit in the fireplace
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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