No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
