Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
