You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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