well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
