All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
