There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
