woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
