dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
