Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
