my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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