You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
