mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
