can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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