Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
