I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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