I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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