dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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