Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
