Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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