good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
