who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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