i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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