true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
