sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
