There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
