im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
