I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
