I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
