I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
