The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
