her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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