Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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