so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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