god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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