i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
