so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
